From Isolation to Elation / easy transformation in self-destructing teens
Another day, another meeting with a parent and teen in a fairly desperate situation.
We’re not talking not real drama though: No one in this scenario is causing overt or direct harm to themselves or any other, the police aren’t involved and neither are Social Services, nor should they be.
None of that’s in my wheelhouse, but this situation very much is…
What I heard about on the call was still, nonetheless, a pernicious circumstance that is worsening by the day. The whole family are struggling in their relationships with each other, the parents are seriously worried about their 14 year old child’s current well-being, lifestyle and choices, as well as his future prospects given that he has absolutely no current drive or sense of purpose in his life, not at school and not at home.
This was, for me, a familiar tale where the parents have somehow gone from having a lovely, bright, engaged, active son who is now:
Losing all motivation and enthusiasm for life
Wasting his potential and jeopardising his future
Lacking significant life interests beyond gaming and anime
Unable to organise himself, study effectively or demonstrate any independence
Feeling insecure in himself and overly influenced by his (similarly insecure) peers
Unmoved by his parents attempts to inspire him into action on any front
Drifting on a downward spiral, across the board, in school and at home
Sounds pretty grim right? And yet it is SO typical, relatively commonplace in fact that we can all end up in this place despite our best intentions as parents.
The boy in question doesn’t have any natural older mentors in his extended family, no close uncles or godparents - who does these days, really…?! (There isn’t time for many of our brothers or sisters to contribute emotionally to our kids and anyway, even if they could, they probably live miles away)
Nor is there a teacher or an after school club coach taking any interest in him, let alone taking him under their wing.
In this way, many of our teens are so isolated in our society and it can feel like there’s absolutely nothing parents can do about it.
Well, this call I had last night was just unbelievably validating of the programme and offer we have created and honed these past 25 years, to save teens and families in so many ways in similar situations to this.
We solve all these problems at the root.
I spent 20 minutes on Zoom with this young man after finding out all about him from his loving mother. Never met him before and of course he had very little idea what we were doing there, who I was or what it is I do. After some easy-going, fun and light chit chat designed to relax him and open him up, I asked him what he wanted from the next year or so, what would be a great result FOR HIM from us working together.
Initially he said he just wanted to ‘get through it’, ‘to survive’.
“And hope that it will all work out from there?” I asked and he stared back and vaguely nodded.
“Unlikely”, I told him straight, “with no GCSEs, no sixth form college possibility and no other viable plan. That is not the route I would ideally wish for FOR YOU…”
I had already established quite a bit of trust and safety in my way of being and speaking with him so I knew I could get away with this and that he wouldn’t feel offended. I needed him to feel like he was safe, but that also he could rely on me to tell him truth and to show him that I had ideas for him and how he could dramatically change his circumstance.
After 10 more minutes of chat and helping him to consider and verbalise his current situation versus his desired situation, i.e. where I could help him get to by the end of a 6 month programme, I asked him again what he really wanted.
I learned this from one of the world’s great coaches and authors, Michael Bungay Stanier, known as ‘MBS’. In his opinion the best question you can ask as a coach in any session is the three letter acronym, ‘AWE’. The AWE question is simply: And What Else? When you first ask someone, for example (his favourite starter question): “What’s on your mind?” You get a response but it’s rarely the good stuff, the truth, the deep stuff. That comes later when you ask And What Else? Sometimes multiple times to get deeper and deeper responses, without the student even being aware that this is what you are doing.
Anyway, when I asked him the final time he said:
“All I would want to do is just… like… get good grades at school. Just do everything right that I’m supposed to do, without it being crazy, I guess.”
Wow.
His mum confirmed that she has NEVER heard him say anything like this before.
Isn’t that interesting? Isn’t that incredible?!
Here they are this family, suffering so much for years, totally at loggerheads with each other, going down the pan fast in terms of their relationships and his schooling and life future prospects in these critical formative years. Then a complete stranger turns up - on Zoom no less, not even in the room! - and opens him up to express (to himself mostly) what he really wants for the first time in years.
No one else knew it, not even him most likely.
The parents wanted him to say this or think this or feel this even but they couldn’t make it happen. All they could make happen - it seemed by the timer they reached out to me in fact - was the opposite!!
My approach has a way of cutting through all that noise and interference and coercion and pressure that our kids feel surrounded by everywhere they go and with everyone they meet, at home, at school, on holiday and in society in general.
This kid knew from the beginning of our meeting that I was so different from anyone else he’s ever met. For one thing I was 100% in his corner right from the get go, on his side, open, listening, understanding, caring, safe to be with and to talk to.
Most of our teens don’t have anyone in their life who can make them feel this understood, who can really hear them, who can accept them as they are and validate them as just a baseline way of building trust, security and warmth of a relationship. Someone who can both inspire them and talk sense into them, someone who they like being around but who also talks straight with them when needed and can help them find their way out of the self-destructive tendencies that are so common in teens brought up in our often dysfunctional society.
In my coaching I can give our children, your children even, the safety and sense of belonging they so badly need. I know how to talk with them in a way that empowers them as opposed to subtly controlling, coercing or rail-roading them into doing stuff they haven’t really put their own hands up for.
But almost all the kids I meet are like this.
Their parents want them so badly to do something or many things that they seemingly do not want to do, they refuse, they groan, they eye-roll, they cringe.
I get on a call with them and it turns out - sometimes in the very first call! - that they also want to do all of these things actually.
They just needed help by someone who can clear the path so that they can authentically make that choice for themselves, to feel total ownership of the decision, the sense of dignity and autonomy that this empowers, the sovereignty even, rather than feeling like they are doing it for someone else’s benefit, on someone else’s terms or for someone else’s gain.
If you’d like to chat with me about coaching for your child, I’m right here for a FREE 15-min chat:
https://calendly.com/henrydingle/15-min-parent-consultation
If you’re not already a member of our awesome Young Fire Academy Parent Community Group on Facebook, come join us! Get support from me and other like-minded parents who are on this journey too.
Click here to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/youngfireparents/
And to find out more about our programmes and offerings, please visit our website at www.youngfireacademy.com
Henry Dingle
Henry Dingle is the founder of Young Fire Academy and an expert teen and parent coach, as well as a specialist tutor. He helps exasperated parents and their demotivated teens reconnect and thrive by fostering authentic relationships, trust, and accountability. With over 25 years of experience working with teens, Henry’s approach ignites motivation, leading to greater self-confidence and real-life satisfaction.
He empowers students to take charge of their learning through mindset coaching, effective essay-writing techniques and Maths helping them build confidence and enjoy their academic journey. As a parent coach, Henry supports families in restoring trust, improving communication, and creating a more harmonious home environment.
