The ‘holy grail’ for many of us parents of teens is self-direction.

How can we handover the management of them, to them? 

With their schoolwork, with their ‘extra-curricular’ activities and with their lifestyles and choices in general.

How can we stop engaging in the exhausting futility of trying so hard to get them to do stuff and then watching them only half do it, do it badly or not do it at all?  

How can we stop expending so much effort to get them - and then keep them - on track and often with the most meagre of returns for doing so, results that we can scarcely call results at all.

We are not jumping for joy or feeling any release from our striving, we are tired, they are falling backwards not propelling forwards and we parents feel like we need some kind of miracle cure to get us out of this grim groundhog day of pestering, pushing and punishing just to get by.

Well guess what?  I have just the thing for you, Mum / Dad!

And it’s called trust.

Trust is the gateway to all of our wildest dreams.

Trust, in time, can and will deliver everything we’ve ever wanted and more.

Trust (and love) slowly reveal the true legend that we have given birth to and often in ways that we could never have foreseen or predicted!

Because after trust comes transferral of ultimate responsibility.

Their life becomes truly theirs.

Trust opens up a whole new playing field for parent and child alike and it’s just where you want to go right now and it’s just where you’ll want to be, forever more.

Once you’ve taken this leap of faith into full trust there’s no looking back, there’s no need to.  The results look and feel too good!  You’ll all have the taste for it and never consider going back to how it was before… 

It’s an end to all the stress and effort and the wasted time and resources you’ve been pouring down the drain now for however long and the beginning of FREEDOM, for all the family…

And you want to know the really great thing?

You have no choice 🙂

Trust in the teenage years is a ‘choiceless choice’.

There is actually no other viable alternative.

Think about it, control, coercion, reward and punishment have got you next to nowhere, so what can you do?

The results from all your efforts are so bad, your relationships are so strained and family life is such a drag you may as well try something completely different.

And that thing, in a word, is trust.

Trust means letting go of control (without being irresponsible and risking actual harm of course).

Trust means giving up (in a good way…)

Trust means letting your child know that it’s going to be up to them from now on.

Not with ultimatums, threats or by flouncing off in a huff, more like taking a deep parent breath,  giving up the relentless (and pointless) struggle, just letting them be as they are and focussing on love and support of them in their own nascent agency.

We cannot after all do it for them.

I’ve worked with mums who would do French vocabulary at midnight for the test the next day with their utterly passive and bored child and others who’ve got really excited watching the Jekyll & Hyde revision videos their children should be watching to prepare for their GCSEs, but never will…

No, for sure it is up to them.

And we want it to be theirs not ours.

All the real gold in the GCSE process - and all other meaningful aspects of our teenage child’s engagement with the world - comes from it being theirs, not ours.  

Embraced by them, owned by them, taken on by them, invested in by them and then yes, done by them.

I’m a radical, I don’t think anything else matters really in schooling.

I would far rather a student comes to experience school as a vehicle for genuine personal growth and finds the juice, love and plain dignity in learning a subject under their own steam than grinds out some miserable attempt at grade attainment without any value to them in the process.

The latter student emerges in no way fit for employment or life in my opinion.  

The latter student I think has had a major disservice done to them by our convincing them that hollow grades are enough.

When I meet students they are very often exhibiting all the signs of this grotesque delusion.  They are flat, bored, hiding from their own agency and responsibility in life and trapped in this empty game that we, over a century and a half, have constructed for them.

And there is seemingly no way out for them - or their parents.

BUT!  I have the miracle cure and it’s so simple…! 

Young Fire Academy’s 7 Core Values are: Love, Trust, Honesty, Openness, Respect, Commitment & Fun

And that’s how we open them up.

When I meet teenagers I see nothing but their own majesty and greatness.  

Sincerely, if they have a basic openness to show themselves to me, if the barriers are not up too high by that stage, then I see all their glory and potential and cannot wait to get to it!  

I cannot wait to build an authentic relationship with them and start coaching them to bring all this to the fore and burst them open like a flower, over time, into their fullest selves and potential.

From hard as a bud to bright, open and as beautiful as a garden rose.

My way of working can be the same as your way of working.

Build a new relationship based on trust by asking, listening, believing, supporting, validating, empowering, encouraging, celebrating, challenging and enjoying.

Trust is the way, for all of us, without a shadow of a doubt, take it from me.

And let me know how it’s going for you on your journey so far?  As always I would love to hear…

✨ Exciting news – our new website is live! ✨

You’ll find resources, stories and ways to connect with us over at www.youngfireacademy.com. Have a look and share it with anyone you know who might need support with their teen at this time.

If you’re not already a member of our awesome Young Fire Academy Parent Community Group on Facebook, come join us! Get support from me and other like-minded parents who are on this journey too.

👉 Click here to join: https://www.facebook.com/groups/youngfireparents/

Henry Dingle

Henry Dingle is the founder of Young Fire Academy and an expert teen and parent coach, as well as a specialist tutor. He helps exasperated parents and their demotivated teens reconnect and thrive by fostering authentic relationships, trust, and accountability. With over 20 years of experience working with teens, Henry’s approach ignites motivation, leading to greater self-confidence and real-life satisfaction.

He empowers students to take charge of their learning through mindset coaching, effective essay-writing techniques and Maths helping them build confidence and enjoy their academic journey. As a parent coach, Henry supports families in restoring trust, improving communication, and creating a more harmonious home environment.