Because sometimes you’ve just got to let them have it, right?!

Parents often come to Young Fire Academy under the impression that we would consider it to be entirely bad or ‘wrong’ to shout at your child.

And on the most part… they’d be right :)

There has been too much out of control aggression, domineering and ‘power over’ parenting (and teaching) over the past century.

However, sometimes I feel, and perhaps more than ever in these excessively liberal-leaning parenting times, it can actually be needed.

Now I don’t want this post to encourage more of the same of what many of us may have had to put up with in our own childhoods, parents venting their own anger and frustration on children because they felt triggered, confronted or cornered in some way by their child or just too stressed out about their own work & life outside of family.

There is a big difference after all between just ‘blowing up’ whenever we feel like it and taking out our own anger on our child and laying down a clear and potent boundary that everyone in the family could stand to greatly benefit from.

You can pretty clearly tell which one you’ve just done - if by any chance you’ve just come from a spontaneous shouting match with your teen?

You can tell by the way you feel immediately afterwards.

If you feel like s***, then you probably need to admit to yourself that you let your own emotions get the better of you. And… you owe your child an apology, as soon as possible, even if they may also owe you one.

(Sidenote: don’t ever force an apology out of them, this does not help teach them any good values and is just another way of belittling and dominating them).

However if you DON’T actually feel bad afterwards… You feel more relieved perhaps? Then you may actually have nailed it 🙂

Only you will be able to tell, by how you truly feel about it all, and if the end result for all is benefit not harm.

Sometimes I think many of our kids absolutely need to hear the lion’s roar, from mum or dad. And not having it or geting it can become it’s own serious problem in our households.

It doesn’t need to be shouting necessarily, the volume doesn’t have to go up, and we should always feel in control of our energies when we are taking action or speaking to our child (otherwise best leave and wait til we’ve calmed down).

But the point sometimes absolutey needs to be made definitively, boldly and unequivocally and yet still with love at the heart of it.

Coupled with apology, vulnerability and ownership of our own side in the argument, any child can ultimately respect a really good, needed and clear boundary.

Even in the shouting, we must strive to ensure that love and parental composure and compassion is present, if at all possible.

It needs to be a measured hit (metaphorically speaking), not an out of control one.

It’s key that our kids understand the boundary - and deep down agree with it - for it to really work and serve all involved.

Any of these might be triggers for any of us parent to rise up, speak up and (once and for all) say no

• Screen time & phone usage

• Bed time & morning routines

• Household chores and contributions

• Bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and hallway messiness

• Disrespectful speech and relating

• Shoddy homework and poor work ethic

• Obsessive negativity

• Perpetually obnoxious attitude
  

These are all typical topics in both our teen and parent communities and 1:1 coaching sessions

And then, once we have laid down the boundary, whatever it might be, it’s then a case of making sure we follow through.

Not just a one-off blow out, a few days or a week or so of respite and then slowly back to how things were, more of the same.

Any strong boundary then needs to be backed up with consistency and bright awareness.

It’s critical that our child knows that we meant it and we’re going to stick by it (or review and adapt it together if necessary).

Either way we meant what we said and in that moment it’s for real and everyone can feel safe and clear now within those existing parameters.

Let us all beware though, there has been far too much shouting at children, in my opinion, this past century - by parents, teachers and adults in general. But we do ourselves and our kids a huge disservice if we now don’t know when and how to rise up, speak up and lay down firm boundaries that are timely, needed and that keep everyone in the family’s best interests safe and respected.

Love to know your thoughts on this…? How you’re getting on with your own anger management on the one hand and yet also not being scared of the energy we may sometimes feel to powerfully lead on and drive the culture and behaviour we want to see in our children, our families and in the world.

If you’re not already a member of our awesome Young Fire Academy Parent Community Group on Facebook, come join us! Get support from me and other like-minded parents who are on this journey too.
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Henry Dingle

Henry Dingle is the founder of Young Fire Academy and an expert teen and parent coach, as well as a specialist tutor. He helps exasperated parents and their demotivated teens reconnect and thrive by fostering authentic relationships, trust, and accountability. With over 20 years of experience working with teens, Henry’s approach ignites motivation, leading to greater self-confidence and real-life satisfaction.

He empowers students to take charge of their learning through mindset coaching, effective essay-writing techniques and Maths helping them build confidence and enjoy their academic journey. As a parent coach, Henry supports families in restoring trust, improving communication, and creating a more harmonious home environment.